Waiting for Akash…

Open space, sky. That’s the meaning of your name my son.

To me it still feels like that’s exactly from where your journey began. It was more than a year ago you set off, announcing your departure in a dream planted in the mind of your mother. Now, a little over 38 weeks old, your journey from ether through womb is nearly complete. It’s soon time for you to join me.

As such you now know your mum better than anyone – afteral you, and not I, have heard what her heart sounds like from the inside. A week ago, I heard your heartbeat again. Regular and strong. Any day now we will all be together. Then it will be my turn to begin to get to know you as your mum already does.

I know you just a little already. I know you move a lot. When asked, your mum will laugh and say, when do you ever not move. I know you asked to be called Akash, seemingly one of the few things we agreed upon. I have seen your profile on scans, your hands and forehead. But as a father, at this stage, that is about as much as I can know.

Last week was ‘Father’s Day’. It doesn’t really count for me yet. But it will do. And though celebreated or acknowledged only once a year, every day for me will soon be father’s day. I am nervous. I am excited and I am scared. But I know none of these feelings are unique to me. All imminent dads must feel that.

Not long ago, whilst working in Portugal I had somewhat of an epiphany. I suddenly felt an overwhelming and total understanding for all fathers who have to travel. Whilst growing up, I recall my parents only going away once or twice and how much I hated when they did. I judged parents of school friends harshly for ‘always’ being away. Whilst I was abroad, reluctantly away from all I love, working close to twenty hour days for nearly a month, it became clear to me I had been wrong all those years ago.

Why was I here? Why was I working? Whichever way I phrased the question, the answer was always the same; for you, for our family. Always. Every time. Every minute and hour I worked. And now, as you will one day discover, for various reasons it looks like I will have to continue not being around as much as I wanted. And this worries me; will you still love me, will you understand, will we even speak the same language… I fear for the bond that I dreamt of establishing with you. Will you forgive me?

In a small village somewhere outside Barcelona, next to my bed lies a business card for a 24 hour taxi service. My phone is with me constantly. Every occasion it makes a noise, makes my heart jump; Could this be it? My pulse races, then settles; false alarm. I am ready. My overnight bag, as instructed, is ready. I can’t wait. Occasionally I get an update; a few more contractions… Your mother tells me she is very tired. This is a good sign she also tells me; it means you are nearly ready. True, this is not how I expected these final days to be. Somewhere between the dream of your mother and mine, something was lost in translation…

Akash, you will soon be born into a world of love. My experience of which has been mostly all too fleeting. But what I can promise you awaits out here is unconditional love. You have a wonderful big brother in Jai from whom you can learn so much, a dog who you will together no doubt drive to despair and a mother… A mother with whom I have been fortunate enough to share nearly a year of my life. I have watched (sometimes too close to the sidelines sadly) how she has looked after and loved your brother and I know how lucky you are… Treasure her.

Then Akash, as much as you want and I can be, you will always have, me… your Dad.

~ by 2ndcupoftea on June 24, 2019.

15 Responses to “Waiting for Akash…”

  1. Beautiful text Thomas. You are going to be great Dad and Akash will be so lucky to have you like his Dad. It’s amazing experience to have a child but you have to live it to understand it:) I keep my fingers crossed for future mum as well. Sending hugs and kisses to all of you.

  2. Beautiful! And enjoy every moment of parenthood. It is such a gift!

  3. What an exciting time! Pretty soon you’ll fully understand that the answer is “no” to my question here. Did you ever think, before he was born, that you could love someone so much?

  4. What a moving text. We did go away quite a lot but almost always taking both of you with us, which was always great fun. Love Mor

  5. Parenting can be challenging but the rewards out way it. Enjoy every minute that you have. Akash will be blessed to have ypu as a dad and also his mum and brother.

  6. This little boy will love you unconditionally, as you will him. No matter how far you have to travel, your family will understand that you are doing it for them and you will always come home. Sending you hugs and good wishes. Can’t wait to see photos of you holding him at last! Hoping, maybe, to see you next year on your first trip, although it’s a bit too early for me to make a definite plan. Be sure you keep us posted on Akash’s arrival.

  7. What a wonderful father you will be. We remember you so well, you never fail to leave an impression and we hope to meet you again sometime – maybe at Oakley? Jean and Keith Milsom x

  8. Congratulations!! Wishing you all the best!

  9. How wonderful for both of you…congrats!

  10. So happy to read that beautiful note!

  11. Beautiful! So excited for all of you!

  12. So happy for you. You will be a wonderful Dad. Oh the places you will take your child to. Waiting to hear all about Akash’s arrival.

  13. Oh Thomas, Congratulations! I am so happy for you. He is one fortunate little boy to have such wonderful parents.

  14. Thomas, you’ll be an exceptional father whether you’re at home or away,
    and Akash will know you and love you wherever you are. Sonograms are amazing things, and I do believe he has your profile! Think of the fairy tales you can write for him. Please do post a photograph when he arrives. Best wishes…

  15. Thomas I am so happy for you. I’m sure you are both very excited

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